Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
