don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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