i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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