How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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