Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
