I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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