Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
