I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
