I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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