Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
