we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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