You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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