So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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