So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
