Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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