you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
