The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
They took my balls.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
