Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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