It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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