Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
