I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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