I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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