my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
