Old men and throwing up are my life now.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
