the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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