Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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