On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
