Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
