Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
