and you said cock pushups were impossible
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
