I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
