i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
