: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
