I wish I could teleport
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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