i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
