Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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