apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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