I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize