dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
