Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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