he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
