I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
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How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
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He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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