My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
