Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
