I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives