i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
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I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.