dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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