sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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