my vag is so smooth its legendary
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
