do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This is my gift to your gina
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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