I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
