Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
