I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
