I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
that is very illegal...i love you.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
