god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
