She's JV to your varsity
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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