you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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