I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
